Back in 2015, I began doula work. After seeing my first few births and the emotional weight that a c-section can bring, I wrote this: https://susieconrad.weebly.com/blog/dear-unplanned-unexpected-c-section-mom Those beginning births brought my mind and heart to an awareness of the nuances of birth and the trauma that can happen when a birth unexpectedly turns surgical. During that time, I also witnessed the power and healing that can come from a VBAC. There is such intentionality, strength, and vulnerability in walking towards labor and a vaginal birth after cesarean. There is a searching for knowledge, a searching for answers, a careful selection of your birth team, and an unraveling and unveiling of the past as you look towards your future birth. There comes a sense of humility, but also empowerment. A respect for birth trickles through the journey to a VBAC and the level of intention going into the pregnancy and preparation for a VBAC is unmatched. I was fortunate to see many successful VBACS in my first few years as a doula. They still sometimes came with toil, scary parts, and uncertainty, but I saw the end goal achieved and the healing that inately brough. My 42nd birth was a VBAC that ended in surgery. I gained a new perspective. Sometimes all of that effort, all of that work, that time, that healing, that intention, that calling of troops and readying of forces, doing all the right things still leads to another c-section. That’s defeating. Even if you felt well supported and given the proper time to labor, knowing the c-section was the right call for your baby, there can still be an echoing of "why?" Why did my body not dilate to 10? Why wasn't I able to push out my baby? Why did my baby’s heart rate fluctuate while pushing after hours of beautiful heart tones through labor? Did I not do enough? Change positions enough? Labor at home long enough? Just… Why? If any of those thoughts resonate with you, I have one thing to gently say to you. It wasn't anything you did or didn’t do. But what if I had…. Or what if my baby was…. Or what if…? No. Truly, no. I want you to come sit with me. Take a breath. I’ve seen enough VBACs to know that you put your all into your pregnancy, labor, and birth. VBACs are a decision; a weighty decision, a calculated decision. You crossed your t's and dotted your i's. You planned. You read. You watched. You discussed. You picked your birth team and walked cautiously, but steadily, into your labor. You stacked the deck in your favor, did all the things, and I know, for a fact, that you did not do anything “wrong” because your birth ended in a surgery. You didn’t fail. Here’s the sucky part… I don’t know the why and I’m so sorry I don't know the why. I wish I did. I wish I held the answers and could smooth over your longing and questioning heart. I know that you tried. You really tried. I know that you gave it your all, and I know that you were ultimately asked to surrender and allow your baby to be born surgically. It wasn't your fault. You did not fail. Actually, you did amazing, mama. I don't have to even personally know you to be able to tell you that you did phenomenally and you put in your all. Your labor likely ended up being on the longer end of average and the mental and physical effort you put in is admirable. I’m so sorry that you didn't get the redeeming birth that you envisioned, but I’m here to tell you that you did so well. You created that little baby from mere cells. You crafted each organ. You grew fingers and toes. You nourished that baby through nine long months. You Sacrificed and your love grew. You walked into your labor knowing the process, keeping in mind what you had learned and planned and ultimately you surrendered your own will, your own wishes, for the betterment of your child. There's no higher sacrifice than that. But that doesn’t make it all better or easy. You can mourn for the birth you envisioned. It’s ok to sit with hard feelings. It’s ok to feel joy around this new little life and sorrow around your experience. I want this to resonate because it's probably the most important part of this entire letter. The intermixing of the good and the hard is such a paradox, but so vividly real. Grant yourself access to both sides of this coin: The disappointment and questioning: the mourning, and also the gratitude and pure love that permiates you for this little life joining your family. While you sit with those feelings I want you to hear that I am proud of you. Your birth was a birth. Hands down. You labored, you progressed, and your baby entered this world. What you put into your pregnancy, labor, and birth soars above and beyond the standard woman. You are amazing and having had a second surgical birth does not define you. You are a strong, vulnerable, beautiful human whose perserverence, steadfastness, and giving heart is not only an asset to those beautiful humans your are raising but also to our world. Give yourself time to process, time to grieve, but also time to marvel in your amazing worth.
1 Comment
|
BlogHere lies a stream of consciousness regarding, pregnancy, birth, babies, and my doula business... Archives
February 2022
Categories |